Parent Education Class – Part 1
May 20th, 2009In Boston and all throughout Massachusetts, if a couple files for divorce and they have children under the age of 18, they are required, court mandated, to attend a parental education course before they are allowed to finalize their divorce. Up until now, I’ve sent many clients to the parental education course and had a vague idea what it was about. I personally never had to go through it myself so I couldn’t tell my clients what it entails and what the format was.
I recently had the privilege to attend “Parents Apart”, the parental education course offered by Selma Ingber, LICSW and Charles Mundhenk, Ph.D. Here is part 1 of what I learned.
The class is really not there to teach you how to raise your children. Its purpose is to point out the different reactions children have to their parents divorce and how best to respond to them. If you were a good parent, the course is not going to change you. If you were a bad parent, it’s not going to change that either. It might however, make you realize that the divorce affects not just you and your spouse, but it affects children – and often negatively.
Not all children will have an adverse reaction to a divorce. Whether or not children respond well depends on their temperament, age, gender, environmental stability, psychological function of the residential parent, contact with both parents and the intensity of the conflict between the parents.
Children need to know what’s going on. That information is conveyed according to their age. When they’re toddlers and preschool, you use simple phrases such as, “Mommy and Daddy are going to live apart and we love you just as much.” Divorce is a grown-up word that children of that age don’t understand. If the children are older, you use more appropriate words but you always tell them, no matter at what age group, that they’re still loved and that the divorce is not their fault.
Children often internalize the feel of guilt in a divorce because they believe they’re the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. So if something bad is happening, it’s because of them. You cannot tell them enough that this is something that mommy and daddy are going through and that it has nothing to do with how the children behaved or said.
You want to leave the legal and financial aspects of the divorce as something between the parents. Don’t involve the children in legal and financial affairs. Even if you try to explain it, they won’t fully understand the concepts of alimony, child support and property division so it’s best to leave that out of your conversations.
Lastly, you as the divorcing parent might go through a period of loss and grief in which you experience denial and isolation at first, then you move onto anger, then bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Children experience something similar.
They might go through Denial and Isolation – “Mom and Dad will get back together again”. Then they might go through Anger – “How could you do this to me? Parents are suppose to be together!” Then the Bargaining stage – “I’ll be good. I’ll take out the trash and you two won’t have to fight anymore.” Depression – “Life stinks.” But finally, you will get Acceptance of the situation. Studies show that most kids will recover from the initial shock and readjustment period and will go on to be OK. However, knowing how to talk with your children and looking for healthy signs of coping will help you determine whether or not your children are coping well and whether or not they require counseling.
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