Boston Divorce Lawyer Blog

I just read a story about a woman in Detroit who gave her son up for adoption 10-years ago, only to now track him down and had sex with him. [article from mlive.com].  At first, this just seems like a case of a deranged woman who forced her son to commit incest.  However, while reading this story, it reminded me of a story I read about several years ago.

It involved a case of a brother and sister who was separated as children and met as adults.  They found out they were siblings yet chose to engage in a sexual relationship. [abc story].  The story brings to life a condition known as Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA).  How GSA is different from incest is that in all GSA cases, there is a common element that family members who engage in culturally prohibited sexual intercourse were all separated as children and only reunited as adults.  Experts say that this new found bond creates this urge to catch up with a family member to a point that it crosses culturally acceptable norms and becomes incest.

In my mind, there is a difference between incest and what could be classified as GSA.  I can imagine the feelings of connection and lost that comes with finding a long lost relative and how that could translate to lust or love in someone’s brain.  Is it wrong?  I can’t judge.  Is it understandable? Yes.

I’m a divorce attorney and I have represented fathers and mothers and I have seen how divorce can tear families apart.  I have seen the sadness and the hardships that befalls the innocent children.  I have seen fathers who not only walk away from the mother but also his children; and I have seen mothers walk away from her children.  I have represented victims of domestic violence who cares nothing for their own safety but only cares about how to ever make their children feel safe again.

Through all this, I have also seen how fathers and mothers realize that even though they’re divorcing, they will always be a family.  I have seen the effort fathers and mothers put in to assure that their children are loved and know they’re loved.  I have seen fathers stay with their children, pay more then their fair share of child support and fight for custody of their children because it was the best thing for them.

I never had a biological father but I believe a father is more than just the person who you’re biologically related to.  A father is someone who puts on the shoes of a father.  He doesn’t have to be related to you at all.  He just has to love you, support you, teach you, and be there for you.

Happy Father’s Day to dads, both biological and otherwise.

[Adopted by a man who used to date my mom]

Family law attorneys like to argue.  They will stand up in front of a judge and tell their client’s life story and more to try to incite some sympathy or tears from the judge. They will keep talking non-stop because they feel if they stay silent and listen for a while, they’ll come off as weak and not trying hard enough to their clients.  So they put on a show.

I was inspired to write about my style of litigating after reading this article: Persuasion should not be akin to filling uncomfortable phone silences.

I’ve never yelled at another attorney and I’ve certainly never lost my temper in open court.  I cannot say the same for a lot of my opposing counsel.  When I argue motions, hearings and even at trial, I do not talk endlessly simply to fill the silence or to show my client I’m doing something – anything – even if it’s legally meaningless.  I’ve been asked by several clients why I didn’t say this or that or why I let the other attorney talk so much.  And I always say this: it doesn’t matter how much I say, but what I say.

In my practice and also in my pro bono work, I encounter a whole spectrum of family stories.  I would like to share two stories and discuss the relationship between them.

I recently spoke with a woman who lives apart from her husband. They live approximately 45 minutes from each other and share physical custody of their 11 year old son.  The son primarily lives with the father for prime schooling and neighborhood opportunities.  Dad now has a new girlfriend that has moved into his house.

The mom called me to ask what type of legal action she can take to gain full custody of her son because she feels that her relationship with her son is suffering.  She told me that she bought her son a cell phone so that she can talk to him more often but the dad took it away because the son was using it at inappropriate times. She also expressed a lack of effort on the part of the dad to drive the son to visitation with mom. She wants the dad to drive either half way to meet her on weekends or every other weekend, to drop him off at her house.  Communication between the couple has been tense since the new girlfriend showed up.

The second incident involves a man that has joint physical custody of his son with his ex-wife. She has now since remarried and whenever the son stays with mom, the new husband is always the one taking care of the son.  Dad seems to notice that mom is never around and worries that the new husband is spending so much time with his son.  He does not suspect any improprieties but is adamant about the fact that he is the boy’s father and no one else.

After listening to the first story, I felt the mother did not need legal advice as much as counseling advice on parenting.  I emphasized that her first and foremost job is being a mother and as such, should do everything with her son’s best interest in mind.  Then I asked her if she thought her fighting for full custody would be the best thing for her son. Would uprooting him from his better school and friends be worth the elimination of the 45 minute drive each or every other week?

The advice I gave to the dad in the second scenario was also non-legal. I advised him to have a fundamental shift in thinking about his family dynamics.  He is the boy’s father and no one can ever replace him if he stays a good father.  Instead of thinking that the new husband was somehow stealing his love or position, consider how lucky your son is that he’s being loved by so many people.  Again, as parents, one of the tasks is to allow our children to grow up happy.  That should never be forgotten and replaced with your own priorities and insecurities.

Those were just two examples of many questions and calls that I’ve received in my practice and through pro bono work.  The theme that connects the two is a standard that the courts use everyday in determining outcomes of children – the best interest of the child. It’s easy to think that that is simply a legal standard and is legal jargon. But the truth is, as divorced parents and complex families become more and more common, parents simply lose sight that what they should be doing is what’s best for their children, and not what’s best for them or what will spite the other parent more.  If parents simply take the time to think less of themselves and more of their children, these calls would not be so frequent and families could still be loving families despite separation and divorce.