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Dan Savage presents his viewpoint on the state of gay adoption in America today by reframing the argument. The issue is not “gay parents vs. straight parents.” The issue should be whether it is better for a child to have parents at all vs. having no parents.
Gay people are allowed to foster children but not adopt them in some states.
“Every child deserves a mother and father. It would be nice wouldn’t it if it did work out that way. But it’s not gonna work out that way.”
“Why are they in foster care? Because their gay parent abandoned, neglected and abused them? No. Because their straight parents abandoned, neglected and abused them.”
“Gay people don’t have children by accident…Every child that’s been adopted by a gay and lesbian couple is a wanted child.”
The issue I want to discuss is joint physical custody (as oppose to legal custody). In my opinion, joint physical custody is detrimental to the children and should not be pursued in most cases.
In a typical custody fight during a separation or divorce, both parents will want sole physical custody. Sometimes, they will compromise and settle for joint physical custody where the child will spend 3 days with one parent, then move and spend 4 days with another parent. Can you imagine how difficult this is for a child? As an adult, I would find it difficult to have to uproot myself and move every 3 or 4 days, not being able to have one permanent place I call home. If I, as an adult, find it difficult, imagine how it affects children.
Children needs stability. Divorce and separation is already difficult enough on a child due to massive changes in routine in a child’s life. As parents going though separation or divorce, you need to at least be able to provide stability in as many areas of the child’s life as possible.
When we talk about child custody during a separation or divorce here in Massachusetts, we’re actually talking about 2 separate types of custody – physical custody and legal custody.
Physical custody is who the child lives with most of the time. One parent can have sole physical custody or both parents can have joint physical custody. If one parent has sole physical custody, then the other parent (noncustodial parent) gets visitation.
Legal custody is who gets to make the decisions that involves the child. One parent can have sole legal custody or both parents can have joint legal custody.
The most common type of arrangement is when one parent has sole physical custody and both parents have joint legal custody. The noncustodial parent get visitation and must pay child support to the parent with sole physical custody (the custodial parent).
I found a new blog recently that I hope to follow and see what happens. It’s written by a father of a 22-yr old daughter who he has not known since she was a week old. She recently reached out to him and he now documents his journey and feelings of being an absentee father.
Over 90% of divorces ends up with both parties agreeing to sign a Separation Agreement and agreeing to jointly file for divorce. That means that over 90% of divorces ends up being uncontested divorces. Yet, 90% of divorces do not start off as uncontested divorces. There are many reason for this but a major reason, I suspect, has to do with the attorneys involved.
I’ve noticed that the first thing most divorce attorneys do when a new client gets retained is start to prepare a Complaint for Divorce. A Complaint for Divorce starts the process of a contested divorce (as oppose to a Joint Petition for Divorce that starts the process of an uncontested divorce). There could be many reasons why a divorce attorney might choose to initiate a contested divorce. It might be because after their consultation with the client, they realize that the other party to the marriage would never agree to come in and sign a Joint Petition and divorce together. Maybe because they want the element of surprise by filing for divorce first. Or it could be because divorce attorneys make more money litigating contested divorces because most charge by the hour (I do not).
When practicing divorce law, it’s best to remember:
the client’s best interest comes first, not the law firm’s bottom line
an uncontested divorce is cheaper, quicker and less disruptive to the client and family
if there are children, you want the client to know that they are divorcing their spouse, not the family. They will always be a family, even after the divorce
Keeping these things in mind, the right way to file for divorce is first trying to get the parties to come to an agreement and see if there’s a way to file a Joint Petition for Divorce. Even if it doesn’t seem possible at first or the client doesn’t want to – it is the job of the attorney to find a way and to counsel the client in what’s best. In my practice, over 90% of my divorce filings are Joint Petitions for Divorce (uncontested). They don’t all come to me uncontested, but taking a bit of time and effort, it’s surprising how couples can come together and agree to disagree.
