A World Without Fathers and Husbands
March 17th, 2009What if our society didn’t value the idea of a family consisting of a father, mother and children? What if marriage of a man and a woman didn’t exist? What if children didn’t bond with their fathers?
There are many studies that cite that children grow up healthier in a family where there is a mother and a father. These studies however, compare “traditional” families to “broken” families. These studies are still comparing family structure of accepted Western society. Using these studies, many cite the high rate of divorce, children born out of wedlock, the lack of paternal rights.
In Yongning, China, in the foothills of the Himalayas is a culture of people called the Moso. The Moso people are a matriarchal and matrilineal society. This means that women are the head of households and inheritance passes through the mother’s family. The Moso has no word for “father” because there is no Western equivalent of marriage. The family unit consists only of blood related family members related by mothers. Most families are made up of somewhere around 9 to 11 family members consisting of mothers, daughters, sons, cousins – all related by blood.
So where are the fathers? Moso women are often described as “free loving” people. It is not however, the same type of “free love” we as Westerners think of in the 1960s and 70s. Moso women are allowed to have more than one suitor and are allowed to have children with more than one man. They are not a promiscuous culture. On the contrary, courtship rituals are quite elaborate and difficult. A man wishing to court a woman needs the permission of both families. When a “couple” does come together, the man comes at night to have relations with the woman and before dawn, the man leaves. The man has duties to his mother’s family and the woman has duties to her mother’s family. They never live together and their children are raised by the mother and stays with the mother’s family. The “father” has limited responsibilities to the child.
This concept of a family is taboo in our society. The Moso culture was recently featured on an episode of National Geographic: Taboo. However, the Moso people have no concept of divorce, child custody and paternity. The mother’s family is always responsible for the well-being of any child. The entire family helps to raise that child whether you’re the child’s cousin, aunt, sibling or grandmother. When couples no longer see each other, there is no need for a formal divorce process. There’s no division of assets or property because land is passed down from the mother’s side of the family. This type of family structure, as strange as it might look to us, solves all the issues that our Family Courts have to deal with. There would be no need for Family Law (or lawyers).
There are some drawbacks however. Couples, if they want, cannot go out and start a family together. Fathers cannot stay in the same household, even if they want to. There is a strict sense of separation and attachment by blood.
The Moso’s way of life has both good and bad ramifications for families and love. In my opinion however, they have solved the domestic relations issues that we have been plagued with in our country and culture.
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I imagine this exercise would be poorly-received indeed if you suggested cutting women out of the parental role in order to “simplify” family law. Also, while it’s hard to speak to what life is like in the Himalayas, here in America, sociological research establishes that fatherlessness is a better predictor for crime than poverty in childhood. I hope you don’t bring this attitude to court when representing men in divorce cases.
I have represented many fathers in court and I assure you that I advocate for my clients to the best of my abilities.
This post was not about my attitude towards fathers but simply an observation into a different way of raising children and a different culture. I believe we can understand a lot about the human condition by studying people that are the most unlike us.
You cant cut the mother out of maternal role as she is essential to the existence of the child to begin with.
Thank you Mr. Cheong, for featuring this article on your family law website. It is worth noting since the US is a pluralistic nation, with many cultures whose origins are matrilineal-matriarchal, that highlighting and preserving such customs can be a viable means of addressing the problems inherent in the western model of marriage and family structure.
I would also like to point out that fatherlessness is not the culprit in terms of making children vulnerable to crime and poverty, it is the lack of strengthening and supporting motherhood as well as the existence of the western nuclear family model which tends to isolate the mother and child making both her and the child vulnerable to conditions of poverty and exploitation during separation and divorce.
As the Mosuo example highlights, “social fatherhood” exists with the participation of the male kinfolk and the extended matri-clan family system, which provides both social protection and material support for the women and children.
So Domestic Relations are improved when you take away all personal freedoms from the couple and place draconian restrictions on one half of the couples parental rights? Wow. Weird. We should try that with couples and women here. They have no rights to the child, they cannot have children and start a family when they want either. I bet the man having all the power would work out terrific. While we’re at it why not only allow white landowners to vote. Takes care of civil rights and property tax issues too.
“Wow. Weird. We should try that with couples and women here. They have no rights to the child, they cannot have children and start a family when they want either. I bet the man having all the power would work out terrific. While we’re at it why not only allow white landowners to vote.Takes care of civil rights and property tax issues too.”
Are you for real? Did you flunk history or something? Men DID have all the power until fairly recently. In fact, men had all the power for centuries, and we all saw how that worked out. It’s funny how you bring up the right to vote. How many men were deprived of their right to vote simply because they were men? When men did have all the power, women were deprived of the right to vote, the right to own property if married, WERE CONSIDERED PROPERTY ALONG WITH THEIR CHILDREN OF THEIR HUSBANDS, marital rape wasn’t a crime, wife beating/child abuse was allowed because men had the right to “discipline their families”, women weren’t allowed to go to college, women were kept out of most professions (except domestic service or prostitution). Women weren’t even allowed to make any decisions about their families or their own lives without permission from some male relative whether it was father/husband, or brother. Yet, women were expected to pays taxes to a patriarchal government that didn’t recognize them as human beings at all. In fact, women were held responsible for the debts occurred by their husbands. Robert, you complain about men not having any rights to their children, but tell me, where in today’s world (or any culture in the past), do you see a culture where women have all the power, and men are deprived of their rights to the same extent as women have been deprived of their rights simply for being women? Not even cultures like the Mosuo have deprived men of their rights like women have been historically deprived of theirs.
Btw, most women in Western culture have custody of their children because most women were the PRIMARY CAREGIVERS of their children while married to the fathers of their children. The majority of custody cases are settled out of court with the couple mutually deciding to let mom have custody because dad knows that she’s the one who actually provided most of the care. It’s as simple as that.
“While we’re at it why not only allow white landowners to vote”
Oh, and Robert, depriving a person their right to vote based on race and economics is something that was historically done when MEN HAD ALL THE POWER. Just thought I’d clear that up since you seem so ignorant of history.
To Robert: As a matter of natural law which gives the female the natural advantage of CHOICE in mate (sexual) selection, the family laws of any society should be based on the ancient system of Mother Right. In many cultures this is still the prevailing custom even among Native Americans in the United States. It is known as the principle of Matrilineal descent within the family system where children remain within the kinship network of the maternal family whether or not the biological father is attached to the family.
Because MATRIMONY which means “Mother-marriage” was invented by women in Western culture as in all other cultures where the custom of marriage exists, logically males are not supposed to dominate the institution of marriage or have so-called equal rights to custody to the detriment of destroying the natural bond between the mother and child. This is because as noted by one of the comments above, the females provide the bulk of resource investment in the child from the initital gestation period onward until the child becomes more independent.
Furthermore, the bond between the mother and child is supposed to be regarded as sacred and not severed due to male dominance/control issues. The role of the father or husband (if the woman even chooses to marry at all) is to be in a supportive role, contributing his own productive labor (resources) to the well being of the family system, as well as engaging in other nurturing actions which support the well being of the mother and child.
In any case, it is not psychologically healthy for a child to have to be the center of a “custody battle” either in determing what is the best interest of the child. For the best interest of the child is always first and foremost served by remaining attached to the maternal unless egregious circumstances prevent this.
If your interest is to foster harmony in domestic relations, then society must recognize the problematic nature of allowing male control pathology to undermine the ancient Matriarchal system which is rooted in the kinship structure and which naturally supports the optimal growth and development of children. Of course the matriarchal system gives women a strong position including decion making authority in the family and larger society. But again, this has to do with the design of nature and is in accordance with natural laws.
In alignment with natural law, if for whatever reason the union between the female and male is dissolved, the husband/father should be content to remain attached to any offspring sired with the woman through visitation and offering material assistance for the benefit of the well being of the child if that is his true concern.
I don’t like the idea of either Moso “authorities” or US “authorities” telling me what I can or can’t do as long as I am not hurting anyone.
I think free people should be able to live freely.
The Moso Culture is an ancient and isolated one. A good insight into their way of life is “Leaving Mother Lake” by Yang Erche Namu and Christine Mathiew – also a very good read. It is the story of a modern woman raised in this culture – who left and attended the Shanghai Conservatory – and on to life in the “outside” world.
She has nothing bad to say about the Moso. Obviously this culture would not work for us -but like every culture on earth they can teach us something. As for no Fathers being the “cause” of crime -the Moso have NO crime. Birth rates are low, and promiscuity is rare. They seem to police themselves with respect and kindness.
interesting article…jean, why do you say this idea would “obviously…not work for us”…i argue that it WOULD work for us…my ex-husband gave up his parental rights 20 years ago…my mother’s family (of course in this culture that does include my father) were instrumental in helping raise my children…but there is NO reason this kind of arrangement couldn’t work here…isn’t it the same with the hopi and/or zuni of new mexico?