Boston Divorce Lawyer – Boston Divorce & Family Law Attorney Blog

In Boston and all throughout Massachusetts, if a couple files for divorce and they have children under the age of 18, they are required, court mandated, to attend a parental education course before they are allowed to finalize their divorce.

Here is part 1: Parent Education Class – Part 1

The main message of the second day of the class really was about co-parenting.  As I say to my clients all the time, you are divorcing your spouse, not your family.  You, your soon-to-be-ex and your children will always be a family.  Nothing can ever change that – no judge or court or any other legal intervention.  So if you’re going to be a family together, then act like it.

Here are some take-away points:

• Talk to the other parent directly and don’t use your children as messengers.  Don’t say things like, “Tell your father that he’s 2 weeks late on his child support” or “Tell your mother that she needs to bring you  back on time.”  That doesn’t foster good relations between you and the child and makes the child’s relationship with both parents uncomfortable and ultimately damaging.
• Don’t discuss issues with the other parent with the child.  In other words, don’t ever bad-mouth the other parent.  If the other parent bad-mouths you, bite your lip and don’t counter with something bad THEY did.  Your children will ultimately realize that you’re a good parent and you were a good parent partly  because you never made them uncomfortable to be around you or their other parent.
• Pay attention and listen to your children.  Children pick up on your bodily actions and tone when you don’t want to talk or too busy.  If your children  has something they want to say, let them speak and put the groceries down.  The groceries will still be there later – your child’s feelings  and their ability to express them might not.
• Do not use child support as a weapon.
• Do not use contact with the children as a weapon.
• Don’t over indulge your child because you’re trying to “win” them over.  Children needs structure and guidance and boundaries – not free roam, gifts and toys.  If you try to win them over, in the short run, they might “love” you more, but in the long run, you’re hurting them by not being a parent.
• Don’t over burden your child with extra responsibilities or emotional baggage.  Remember that the divorce is not your children’s fault and therefore, if you make them carry the load that your ex used to carry, they will see it as punishment and they will start to think that what happened to the family is their fault.
• Your kids have enough to worry about, don’t trouble them with money issues.  You should continue to teach your children about the importance of money and the value of a dollar, but remember, if you didn’t burden them with the mortgage payments before, then you really don’t need to tell them about your late payments now.

That’s a short laundry list of Do’s and Don’ts for parents but it’s also important to realize that kids always know more than they’re leading on.  It’s also important to not let them control and guilt you as a parent.

Children often make a point to tell you what the other parent got them or let them do.  Don’t fall into this trap because it leads down the road of over-indulgence and a race to “win” them over, as I stated above.  The important thing to realize is that sometimes it’s not the parents fault but the kids who are taking advantage of the situation.  Now is the time to be good parents and set boundaries.

If you are having trouble coordinating times and communicating with the other parent, I have found two great internet sites that might be helpful.

• OurFamilyWizard
• JointParents

Both sites offer tools to help parents communicate more effectively, set schedules for themselves and their children and thereby engage in better cooperative parenting to their children.

A Plea to Parents from a Divorce Lawyer: Leave Your Kids Out of it!

Today the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, a ballot initiative voted on by the people of California to define marriage as that of one man and one woman.  Many same-sex marriage supporters sees today’s ruling as a defeat.  However, I want to see it from a different angle that perhaps could ultimately help the same-sex marriage cause.

[warning: heavy legalese to follow]

One of the legal challenges that same-sex marriage supporters have is defining the gay community as a suspect class of people (e.g.: women and ethnic minorities).  A suspect class of people are ones that have defined traits that subject them to discrimination.  When the Supreme Court of the United States looks at an issue, they first look to see whether they’re dealing with a suspect class of people and also whether they’re dealing with a fundamental right.  Marriage is a fundamental right.  What’s unclear is whether same-sex marriage is a fundamental right.  If a same-sex marriage case ever made its way up to the Supreme Court, it could have the ability to dictate how individual states must treat same-sex marriage.  In effect, individual states would no longer be able to defined marriage.  This could either be a widespread victory for same-sex marriage supporters or it could also be a crushing defeat if the Supreme Court ruled the other way.

Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that Proposition 8 is legal and therefore there will be no more same-sex marriage in California.  But they also ruled that the approximately 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed during the 5 months period was legal and will continue to be valid.

As I said, the trouble is defining gays and lesbians as a suspect class of people.  Now, with the California Court ruling, I believe proving gays and lesbians to be a suspect class of people is no longer necessary.  The California Court, by allowing the 18,000 same-sex marriages to exist, now created a subset of people in a group that has certain rights and all others who do not.  There is no rational basis for this distinction.  This is an Equal Protection violation of the United States Constitution.  I believe that the California Court, the same one who ruled in favor of same-sex marriage, actually knew what it was doing by removing the hurdle of showing a suspect class and instead have reclassified it as an Equal Protection issue.

Ultimately, I can’t tell the future and I don’t know whether the new challenge in California will be from the ballot box, the legislature or the courts.  I do know that the fight isn’t over in California.

In Boston and all throughout Massachusetts, if a couple files for divorce and they have children under the age of 18, they are required, court mandated, to attend a parental education course before they are allowed to finalize their divorce.  Up until now, I’ve sent many clients to the parental education course and had a vague idea what it was about.  I personally never had to go through it myself so I couldn’t tell my clients what it entails and what the format was.

I recently had the privilege to attend “Parents Apart”, the parental education course offered by Selma Ingber, LICSW and Charles Mundhenk, Ph.D.  Here is part 1 of what I learned.

The class is really not there to teach you how to raise your children.  Its purpose is to point out the different reactions children have to their parents divorce and how best to respond to them.  If you were a good parent, the course is not going to change you.  If you were a bad parent, it’s not going to change that either.  It might however, make you realize that the divorce affects not just you and your spouse, but it affects children – and often negatively.

Not all children will have an adverse reaction to a divorce.  Whether or not children respond well depends on their temperament, age, gender, environmental stability, psychological function of the residential parent, contact with both parents and the intensity of the conflict between the parents.

Children need to know what’s going on.  That information is conveyed according to their age.  When they’re toddlers and preschool, you use simple phrases such as, “Mommy and Daddy are going to live apart and we love you just as much.”  Divorce is a grown-up word that children of that age don’t understand.  If the children are older, you use more appropriate words but you always tell them, no matter at what age group, that they’re still loved and that the divorce is not their fault.

Children often internalize the feel of guilt in a divorce because they believe they’re the center of the universe and everything revolves around them.  So if something bad is happening, it’s because of them.  You cannot tell them enough that this is something that mommy and daddy are going through and that it has nothing to do with how the children behaved or said.

You want to leave the legal and financial aspects of the divorce as something between the parents.  Don’t involve the children in legal and financial affairs.  Even if you try to explain it, they won’t fully understand the concepts of alimony, child support and property division so it’s best to leave that out of your conversations.

Lastly, you as the divorcing parent might go through a period of loss and grief in which you experience denial and isolation at first, then you move onto anger, then bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  Children experience something similar.

They might go through Denial and Isolation – “Mom and Dad will get back together again”.  Then they might go through Anger – “How could you do this to me? Parents are suppose to be together!”  Then the Bargaining stage – “I’ll be good.  I’ll take out the trash and you two won’t have to fight anymore.” Depression – “Life stinks.”  But finally, you will get Acceptance of the situation.  Studies show that most kids will recover from the initial shock and readjustment period and will go on to be OK.  However, knowing how to talk with your children and looking for healthy signs of coping will help you determine whether or not your children are coping well and whether or not they require counseling.

Many women assume their husband’s last name when they get married. As a result, when they get divorced from their husbands, most want to change it back to their maiden name. There are two options: you can either change it back to a maiden (or any other name) or you could keep your soon-to-be-ex husband’s name. Contrary to what some people might say, you’re not required to give up your ex-husband’s last name.

If you did want to change your name after your divorce in Massachusetts, remember to ask the court for a name change in the actual Joint Petition for Divorce (if it is uncontested) or Complaint for Divorce (if it is contested). There is no charge or extra steps to take if you remember to include it in the original Petition or Complaint. If however, you forget to and the case has gone on for a while, you will need to motion the court for a name change before the divorce is finalized. Also, if you petition to have your name changed after the divorce is finalized, then you be charged a fee (currently $165.00), and you will also need to start a whole separate court petition.

In short, if you’re going to change your name, do it at the outset of the divorce. It will save you time and money.

Starting May 1, 2009, the Limited Assistant Representation program will be available in all Massachusetts trial courts.

The Limited Assistant Representation (LAR) program started with three probate & family courts in Massachusetts.  It was set up to help people who need the help of the courts but could not afford an attorney.  Traditionally, if you wanted an attorney to represent you in court, that attorney would have to represent you for the entire case.  However, attorneys do charge a lot of money and no every can afford the hourly rates (or even flat rates) that some attorneys charge.  In an effort to provide representation to more people needing access to the courts, Massachusetts allowed the unbundling of legal representation by attorneys.  In effect, attorneys can now represent a person at only one hearing or for a short period of time and without permission from the courts, withdraw from the case.  This limited representation can be done many times for a single client and can be a very cost effective way to help an attorney advocate for a client who cannot afford full legal representation.

Is LAR for everyone?  No.  It was set up to help lower income individuals have better access to the courts.  It is “limited” not only in the amount of time an attorney represents you, but it is also limited in the sense that an attorney cannot provide their best legal service to a client who they are not retained the entire case for.  The attorney cannot possibly know or be able to advise the best course of action if they are not helping to control and shape the course of litigation.

If you can afford an attorney, it is still much better to retain one in the traditional sense.  However, there is now better and fairer access to our court system for lower income individuals and as Martha Stewart says, it’s a good thing.

Note: Not all attorneys are trained in the LAR program.  The trial courts have set up a training session for attorneys who wish to take it.  I took it when the pilot program was started in Norfolk Probate Court.  You can find a list of LAR attorneys if you ask a clerk of the court.