Attorneys should be counselors too
March 10th, 2008In my practice and also in my pro bono work, I encounter a whole spectrum of family stories. I would like to share two stories and discuss the relationship between them.
I recently spoke with a woman who lives apart from her husband. They live approximately 45 minutes from each other and share physical custody of their 11 year old son. The son primarily lives with the father for prime schooling and neighborhood opportunities. Dad now has a new girlfriend that has moved into his house.
The mom called me to ask what type of legal action she can take to gain full custody of her son because she feels that her relationship with her son is suffering. She told me that she bought her son a cell phone so that she can talk to him more often but the dad took it away because the son was using it at inappropriate times. She also expressed a lack of effort on the part of the dad to drive the son to visitation with mom. She wants the dad to drive either half way to meet her on weekends or every other weekend, to drop him off at her house. Communication between the couple has been tense since the new girlfriend showed up.
The second incident involves a man that has joint physical custody of his son with his ex-wife. She has now since remarried and whenever the son stays with mom, the new husband is always the one taking care of the son. Dad seems to notice that mom is never around and worries that the new husband is spending so much time with his son. He does not suspect any improprieties but is adamant about the fact that he is the boy’s father and no one else.
After listening to the first story, I felt the mother did not need legal advice as much as counseling advice on parenting. I emphasized that her first and foremost job is being a mother and as such, should do everything with her son’s best interest in mind. Then I asked her if she thought her fighting for full custody would be the best thing for her son. Would uprooting him from his better school and friends be worth the elimination of the 45 minute drive each or every other week?
The advice I gave to the dad in the second scenario was also non-legal. I advised him to have a fundamental shift in thinking about his family dynamics. He is the boy’s father and no one can ever replace him if he stays a good father. Instead of thinking that the new husband was somehow stealing his love or position, consider how lucky your son is that he’s being loved by so many people. Again, as parents, one of the tasks is to allow our children to grow up happy. That should never be forgotten and replaced with your own priorities and insecurities.
Those were just two examples of many questions and calls that I’ve received in my practice and through pro bono work. The theme that connects the two is a standard that the courts use everyday in determining outcomes of children – the best interest of the child. It’s easy to think that that is simply a legal standard and is legal jargon. But the truth is, as divorced parents and complex families become more and more common, parents simply lose sight that what they should be doing is what’s best for their children, and not what’s best for them or what will spite the other parent more. If parents simply take the time to think less of themselves and more of their children, these calls would not be so frequent and families could still be loving families despite separation and divorce.